Review #4 - JOE HALLENBECK (25 février 1998)
Source : Ain't It Cool News
http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=695

"That's it. I hate to say this, my fellow geeks, but John McTiernan is dead in my eyes. A man who I once thought of as an Action Movie God no longer exists in my World. He started to die with MEDICINE MAN and continued on being gravely ill with LAST ACTION HERO. He recuperated somewhat with the first hour of DIE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE then went into cardiac arrest during the second half. While in a comatose state, John managed to make EATERS OF THE DEAD. I'm afraid to report this to you, but I think they pulled the plug. John McTiernan is no more. We can now only fondly remember him for such masterpieces as PREDATOR, DIE HARD, and THE HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER (let's not forget NOMADS... just kidding).
I, The Mighty Joe Hallenbeck, have just returned from the final nail in Mr. McTiernan's coffin... Michael Crichton's EATERS OF THE DEAD. I'm feeling so down right now that not even a lap dance by Jennifer Connely could cheer me up. One of my idols has let me down for the last time... 2 Strikes and one ball. This movie was strike three and, unfortunately, HE'S OUT!!!
Now, let I, Joe Hallenbeck, tell you what's right (very little) and what's wrong (just about everything) with EATERS OF THE DEAD (I don't know about you, but that sounds like a cool title for a Porn Movie. As a matter of fact, I have a theory about what makes a good title for a legit movie... if it sounds good as a Porn Movie or can be parodied (ie FORREST HUMP) then it's a good title. Example: DANTE'S PEAK (Good)...VOLCANO (Bad). Try it out sometime. You'll have loads of fun with your friends!)...

THE PLOT - Arab Diplomat has to join 12 Vikings in a battle against some "Inhuman" force(s). Stranger in a strange land kind of story. At first he's not excepted, but slowly but surely he becomes one of them. Supposed to have taken place during a four year period, but felt as if it took place in 4 days. Really boring. The first hour dragged on forever. Felt like 3 or four. Nothing interesting or exciting occured. The only thing that was half way cool was the "Learning the Language Scene." McTiernan has a knack for converting foreign languages into English very cleverly (ie RED OCTOBER). It's sad to say this, but that's the best damn thing about the movie... Banderas learning the Viking language. Pretty pathetic, huh? There's also some lame romantic subplot going on that's as pointless as most of my reviews.

THE WRITING - The source material sucked (a rarity in my eyes. I've enjoyed all of Crichton's books except this one). I really can't blame the screenwriter's William Wisher (and some other dude... sorry, can't remember the name) because it's difficult to turn shit into silver. If it ain't there in the first place then it's hard to put it there later... especially if the original author is the Producer!

THE DIRECTION - Now, I heard a rumor that this puppy is going to be rated PG-13. After seeing this POS, I think that rumor is true. I knew the film wasn't going to be too hot because the source material sucked, but at least I thought the action would kick ass. I expected CONAN (as in, "The Barbarian"... not the "King of Late Night") meets BRAVEHEART. I wanted to see some Vikings kicking some major cannibal booty. Instead, I got a lot of ridiculous slo-mo and tons of bloodless battles... Cut-aways left and right... Slicing and dicing with little to no blood... And worst of all, no Viking debauchery!!! WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?!!! THEY'RE MAKING A MOVIE ABOUT VIKINGS BATTLING UNGODLY "THINGS" FOR CHRIST SAKES!!! While the story may have sucked, the action could've rocked. I thought it was so cool when John signed to direct this movie. I thought, "Wow. We're gonna have a CONAN for the 90's." Instead, we get a movie that makes KULL THE CONQUEROR look watchable!!! Johnny boy... what happened to ye? Come back! PLEASE... FOR THE LOVE OF THE MOVIE GODS... COME BACK!!!! (as I type on my now tear stained keyboard).

THE ACTORS -
Antonio Banderas - adequate, but didn't have much to work with.
Diane Venora - Why was she in this movie? She's much more talented then this dribble (same thing goes for JACKAL).
The rest - they all blended together. None of them had a personality or much of a presence. They were just scenery.

THE MUSIC - all temp tracked (CROW, BRAVEHEART (made me laugh every time the romantic cues were on), POSTMAN, WATERWORLD and THE MISSION). Fits the action, but I doubt Graeme Revell's final score will help the movie (as a matter of fact, most of his scores hinder the movies they're in).

THE CLIMAX - It has one of those, "What the fuck just happened here?" kind of climaxes. All in slo-mo and completely boring. You have practically bloodless slicing and dicing going on and you feel bored watching it. What's up with that?

All I can say about this disappointment is:

I MISSED "FRASIER" FOR THIS?!!!"